Superman Wears Spiderman Underwear

Children are inefficient. Not to say that I'm an expert on efficiency, but children are definitely not it. A prime example of this is my son going to the bathroom. It's a much longer ritual than it should be.

It starts out simple enough, with a loud announcement: "I gotta go potty!" It's similar to that co-worker you have that likes to announce "Look at me, I'm working!" While the potty announcement will happen at home it ALWAYS happens in a store or restaurant. Maybe it's some long latent instinct for marking ones territory, but if some place has a bathroom my son will want to visit it at least once if not several times.

After the announcement comes the sprint to the bathroom, which makes things seem very urgent. Once in the bathroom time stops. First order of business in a public place is to find a toilet or urinal low enough for him. Some places don't have such things. I think those places deserve the puddles they get, but I tend to clean up either way. I once had a guy bolt past me in a bathroom to use the lowest urinal when the other one was not in use. I believe that man's name was Richard.

Once the toilet is found there might be a short argument on which one my son wants to use, sometimes the lowest one is not his preference. I try to guide him by generally aiming him the direction I want him to go, it's a learned and varied technique which sometimes involves stern looks and repeating words like "No" over and over.

Then the pants have to come off, but sometimes my son likes to just stare at the toilet and space out. Sometimes the toilet paper gets to be a distraction. I always hope there are no REAL distractions or things will take much longer. People walking in are a number one distraction, as my son has to greet them, and introduce himself. He might also have to point out any odd clothing they are wearing. To the gentleman wearing the cowboy hat, my son wasn't really calling you a cow. He was simply trying to say cowboy.

Next is the shortest part of the trip, actually using the toilet. Once done my son has to space out again and all previous distractions can happen all over again. This is the point where I have to say "Pull up your pants." I've never been to the bathroom with him and only said this just once, and I swear if I didn't mention it, they would never be pulled up again. Which would make the trip to Taco Bell more interesting, to say the least.

Now we're on to cleaning up. Washing hands is always fun because no sink has been made for a child to use, and very few places have a stool for them to stand on. Washing hands requires coaching as well, otherwise the soap would simply be rinsed into the sink with no actual washing taking place. The water can be very distracting as well, not to mention the mirror.

Last is the drying. Without more help here my son would simply wad up a paper towel and throw it away, and not dry anything. So, more input is required. Hand driers are great fun as he can stand under them and he finds it hilarious to have them blow his hair about. This can waste a few more minutes. Finally, we can leave the bathroom. Several hours later.

Lastly, it is quite funny to see my son running for the bathroom in his Superman pajamas (which include a cape) wearing Spiderman underwear and yelling "I go poop!"